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Topic: LINKS (Read 1779 times) |
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John Atkins
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« Reply #1 on: Oct 30th, 2006, 12:45pm » |
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DL
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Re: LINKS
« Reply #2 on: Nov 10th, 2006, 04:45am » |
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http://www.infiltec.com/j-chick2.htm
Chicken Philosophy
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be
discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to
itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being
which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
Emily thingyinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the
(censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: Well,...................
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself
of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its
sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of
the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden
sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the
chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck
by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the
deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no
more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero,
whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some
chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right
under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and
thinking about his family.
Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really
upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he
crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.
John Sununu (again): I would argue that the chicken never crossed the
road at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton
Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture
policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road?
Where, Michael?
Michael Kinsley: Oh, John, come on! Everybody knows the chicken
crossed the road. What evidence do you need? It's obvious that the
chicken crossed the road. Your whole argument is just a smoke and
mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled
now back the Democratic Party. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
John.
Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs
up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the
chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the
chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English!
Thumbs down.
Michael Kinsley: But you both agree it did cross the road, right?
See, John. I'm right as usual.
http://www.infiltec.com/j-chick3.htm
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Machiavelli #2: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as
a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning
except to him.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to
cross roads.
Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not"Why did the chicken cross the
road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing
walking around all over the place anyway?"
(contd. below)
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DL
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Re: LINKS
« Reply #3 on: Nov 10th, 2006, 04:46am » |
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(contd.)
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "Black man" in order to trample him and keep
him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr: I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross
the road of his own free will.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the raod, and that was good
enough for us.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right
now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Erich Maria Remarque: The chicken crossed the road because, after his
experience with war, he no longer felt at home in his home.
Bill Gates: I have just received the new Chicken 2000, which will
both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3
by 2 it gets 1.49999999999.
M.C. Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was
on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking
that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really
only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily thingyinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my
omelette.
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
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DL
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Re: LINKS
« Reply #4 on: Nov 10th, 2006, 04:49am » |
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http://www.infiltec.com/jok-chik.htm
FAA Chickens
FAA Assisting British in Windshield Safety Tests.
In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry
Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun
that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the
speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass
impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It
seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a
windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the
engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the
back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA
to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
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